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If you have an allergic reaction to NuvaRing, you’re not alone. I was on NuvaRing for 11 years and it was awesome… until it wasn’t. I didn’t experience any issues, and it allowed me to go about my life without remembering to take pills. That all changed in late 2016.
I’d struggled with endometriosis since I was 15 years old, having three-week-long periods, irregular cycles, and intense pain. I began birth control specifically to control the symptoms, and after trying multiple types of oral contraceptives, settled on one that worked well for me for the next several years.
Then in late 2004, I began having abdominal pain. By the time I got to the doctor’s office a few hours later, I was doubled-over in pain and could barely walk. He sent me to the emergency room, where I endured an entire group of medical students looking on while a doctor tried to perform a very painful pelvic exam. Then a nurse rudely and roughly inserted a catheter. No one believed I was experiencing as much pain as I claimed.
I went into surgery two weeks later, where surgeons removed my left ovary, which had a large cyst on it, and much of the scar tissue that had adhered my ovary to other organs. Several months later, I found myself again struggling with abdominal pain, and my doctor found a cyst on my other ovary. Hoping to save me from a complete hysterectomy in my mid-20s, he put me on a six-month course of Lupron Depot, which caused temporary menopause. That’s not an experience I want to repeat, but it did make the ovarian cyst disappear.
In 2005, after the round of Lupron shots, my doctor put me on NuvaRing. He thought it was the best option for me. Oral contraceptives contain higher levels of hormones because they must be filtered by the liver. NuvaRing bypasses the liver and delivers hormones into the bloodstream. It was a perfect solution. I loved being on the NuvaRing. No worrying about taking a pill or about an unwanted pregnancy, no endo symptoms, and the side-effects were minimal.
Then, in mid-2016, Laz was struggling with his penis being itchy each time we had intercourse. It was nearly unbearable for him. We’d start and have to immediately stop so he could wash himself. Usually, we were able to continue without too much discomfort. I started removing the ring during sex, and that helped a bit, especially if I douched. But always, he would be left with dry, red skin on the head of his penis. Shortly thereafter, I began experiencing a lot of pain during intercourse. It felt like my insides were swollen and he was poking at my organs. We had just started shooting with other performers, so we chalked it up to my vaginal flora being out of balance. I’d heard from other performers that the first few months of shoots can be rough. I figured things would level out. They didn’t.
A few months later, I suddenly began to have severe abdominal pain. I went to a doctor and she sent me for an ultrasound on Christmas Eve. They didn’t find anything. Next up was a CT scan, but I was told that even with insurance, the scan would cost at least $900, and that didn’t include the facility fees or payment for the doctor/techs. My doctor at the time was a naturopath, so she suggested I try acupuncture. I didn’t believe in acupuncture, but I was willing to try anything to avoid thousands in medical bills. Though my insurance covered acupuncture, I went to the specific acupuncturist who my doctor recommended and who didn’t take insurance. I paid $100 cash for each appointment and went 8 times. At first, I was skeptical. The lady was nice, but it was a bit too “woo woo”, even for me. She had me fill out an intake form which she didn’t look at until she was done with her “scan,” which involved her looking at my tongue, pushing on my outstretched arms, and moving her hovering hands over my abdominal region like one of those tech people on a sci fi show, manipulating images and data on a transparent display. Surprisingly, after a few visits, I started seeing improvements.
The thing is, at some point during the 8 months of seeing an acupuncturist, I switched from the NuvaRing to another oral contraceptive. The abdominal pain went away and hasn’t been back since.
I do believe that the acupuncturist helped, but considering that it’s been almost 3 years and my pain hasn’t returned, I believe it was the NuvaRing causing my pain. Surely Laz’s discomfort couldn’t have been caused by me having a cyst, doctors never saw a cyst, and both of our symptoms went away after I stopped using NuvaRing. Laz & I have been together since 2002, and he’d never experienced that issue with me before, and I never experienced painful intercourse in the absence of a cyst, so we believe that either we developed an allergy over time (allergies often worsen with repeated exposure), or – more-likely- that something about the makeup of NuvaRing changed.
Now, whenever we shoot with a performer who uses NuvaRing, he has the same symptoms: Itchiness, sometimes very intense, and redness– followed by red, dry skin on the head of his penis, which can take a week to completely heal.
He also has those symptoms when my vaginal flora (or that of a performer) is out of balance, but it’s not as severe as with the NuvaRing.
So, if you’re having weird reactions to your NuvaRing, you’re not alone. Most websites claim that if you’re allergic to it, you will likely have an anaphylactic reactions, but I was able to find a few forums where people discuss the same symptoms that Laz has, and more forums where women discuss experiencing severe headaches, nausea, and vomiting. If you or the person you’re having sex with is having weird symptoms, it’s worth looking into whether this birth control is causing it.
This is a difficult topic for me. I’ve shared little pieces of my experience with a couple of people that I trust, but I’ve never told this story in its entirety. I am the type of person who, upon having a powerful experience, reflects for a long time. It’s taken me several months to sort through everything.
When I started making xxx porn, it was just Laz and me. It was 100% up to us what we wanted to film, and it was great. Then we decided to start hiring models to perform with us; we were very lucky that all the models we hired were great on set. They acted like they wanted to be there, and they all were perfectly happy to be having sex with us on camera. Even the models who hadn’t done professional porn before were complete professionals on set. It was so much fun, and each shoot was a positive experience.
That continued to be our experience for two years. I realize that we are very fortunate in that regard. I know from watching Twitter that some people don’t see the need to be kind or empathetic to their fellow performers on set and during scenes. Some don’t believe that they should maintain a certain level of enthusiasm to help their scene partners and are, quite frankly, callous in their treatment of their scene partners. We choose not to hire anyone who expresses that type of attitude. We believe that a good scene is made with the enthusiastic and informed consent of all performers, and that obtaining consent is an ongoing process throughout each scene. Enthusiasm from scene partners is just one good indication of continued consent. Kindness and empathy make for good shoots.
Unfortunately, and probably inevitably, we hired someone who does not believe as we do. Looking back, I should have recognized the signs in other scenes she did. Her lack of enthusiasm is apparent, but before hiring her, I honestly blamed the directors for the “boring” scenes. I had not noticed her expressing a poor attitude on social media, and I had no idea how little effort she put into being a good performer.
When she came to us, I was expecting an experience much like all of my previous experiences. I soon learned that was not to be the case. In our presence, she was quiet, sullen, and uncommunicative. At times, she bordered on being unfriendly. While reviewing scripts she barely acknowledged that we were speaking to her. She rolled her eyes when we tried to lighten the mood. What made it more confusing is that one minute she was helpful and even joked with us but would then quickly turn it off and behave as though she couldn’t wait to leave. Before the shoot and between scenes, she looked miserable. She wouldn’t make eye contact; she was stiff and lazy in her performance. It was clear that she didn’t want to work and put very little effort into hiding it. When she wasn’t in the room, Laz and I talked about our utter confusion and wondered how we were going to get through the whole shoot. We almost called it off.
Working with her was a horrible experience. I had to go places in my mind that I never thought I’d have to go. I had to separate my body from my mind and tell myself things like, “It’s almost over,” and “Just one more scene.” As hard as I tried to gather all my acting skills, to me, it’s painfully obvious in the footage that I didn’t know what to do. I constantly checked in with her, verbally asking her if this or that was okay and if she was doing alright. It was strained and unnatural. Throughout the entire shoot, I checked in with this performer at least four times more than anyone else I’ve ever hired, and at no point did she verbally indicate that anything was wrong. She also did not take our constant inquiries as a clue that she was behaving strangely. She was indifferent to the fact that her behavior was negatively impacting the shoot and our moods. In fact, she seemed to grow increasingly irritated at my inquiries. That irritation was a further indication to me that she was not only fully in charge of and aware of her behavior but also that she saw nothing wrong with it – or that she didn’t care. Yet there were those voices in the back of my head wondering if something was wrong; I was wondering if something negative would come out after the shoot. It was frightening.
It was a traumatic experience for me because I read stories about performers doing things on set they don’t want to do but feeling pressured to do them. I felt like I was the person doing the pressuring, even though I knew I wasn’t. I couldn’t have been more accommodating. I NEVER want to be the director who pressures someone to do something. It would absolutely break my heart. So there I was, having to maintain my composure in order to carry the scenes, while also having such conflicting feelings about the performer’s attitude and behavior. I knew she was there of her own free will, but she was consciously behaving as though she wasn’t. It was so confusing and disturbing.
We made it through and got some sub-standard content. It was upsetting to have wasted so much time and money on someone who had so little respect for us as producers and as performers. What stuck with me the most, and what changed the way I’ll work from now on, was her behavior and how I felt because of it.
After that shoot, I wanted to quit. I didn’t want to have anything to do with porn anymore. It took several days of processing that shoot to feel a little bit better about it. I wrote myself out of the next shoot I had booked. I then decided that I will not be in scenes with other women anymore unless I am sure that those women want to be doing porn. I DO realize how problematic this is. In any other job, there are lots of people who don’t want to be there, and that’s just how the world of employment works. I’ve had a couple jobs where I acted like I didn’t want to be there, and looking back on it, my bosses should’ve fired me long before I quit. The argument I’ve seen lately is “Why is sex work the only job where people are really concerned about whether the work is fulfilling to the workers? Why is that a requirement in order to say that the work is valid?” I agree with all of that. It’s a double standard. Society isn’t trying to outlaw other jobs where people use their bodies to do their labor and in which those people might not necessarily want to do those jobs or find that work fulfilling. Given this, I can’t really explain to you why having this encounter with someone who so obviously doesn’t want to be doing porn affected me the way it did. All I know is that it did. It was my body, and I felt awful using it to interact with this person. I felt trapped because really what other option did I have? I’ve seen the way that people act on social media. If I had refused to continue being in scenes with her or shoot her because of her completely unprofessional behavior, what would have happened to my reputation? I’ve gone through the BTS footage, and other than her looking really bored a lot of the time, there’s nothing there to indicate what I saw because the most-obvious sulking occurred before we started running the cameras for the day.
Maybe I’m naive. Maybe my experience is one that many others share and it’s so common that I seem melodramatic. In the big world of LA porn, there are many performers who work with people who they don’t really want to work with, and there are performers who just really don’t like their jobs. I’d never experienced it before, and it felt very bad. It felt ugly. It felt like I was adding to someone else’s pain. Some people believe the industry is just one big hungry porn machine, gobbling up broken people, chewing them up and spitting them out, more broken than they were before. But I know enough performers who love their jobs to not buy into that stigma. Intelligent, hard-working, strong-willed people. I know that together we can and will make this industry better. I really hope that the way I conduct myself on set adds to that positive change.
After much soul-searching and after watching this performer’s scenes with other companies, I’ve decided that her behavior on set had nothing to do with me. She doesn’t enjoy doing porn and she doesn’t attempt to do a good job for directors. She doesn’t try to hide how much she doesn’t want to be on set. Even the way she spoke about porn indicated this. I have gone over my behavior time and again. I have talked to others about the experience. I firmly believe that I didn’t do anything wrong. I know it in my heart. Yet I cannot shake the awful feeling that I had inside my soul, and I cannot forget the way that this performer put me in a position to have to use my body in a way that made me very uncomfortable.
I am on the “fringes” of the industry. I don’t understand even a small percentage of what performers deal with on sets or behind the scenes. Yet I am starting to understand why some people seem so jaded after being in the industry for a long time. I refuse to become jaded. I refuse to ignore the discomfort of my scene partners just to get through a shoot and to avoid being slammed on Twitter. The only thing I can do right now to make sure that I can stay a caring, empathetic human being, as well as stay completely in charge of my body and my reputation, is to write myself out of scenes for a while. In the future, when I decide to perform again, I will only be working with women who want to be, and who are enthusiastic about being, in porn. That is my choice. *I am not scheduled to be in any shoots for the rest of the year, though we have a few lovely women returning to us with whom I would feel absolutely comfortable performing. I need time. I thoroughly enjoy facilitating shoots because I can focus on making everyone feel safe, comfortable, and valued. That makes me happy. I also love filming all this sexy content! So that’s what I’ll be doing for the rest of this year, along with filming content with Laz.
I kept all of this to myself for a long time. I’ve gotten very close to posting about it, only to decide that I might be misunderstood and attacked. I am not just a performer, I’m a director as well. I hire performers, and I’m in charge of my sets. That means that I’m in a unique position where I have experiences as a performer does, but I believe most performers view me as a director and not fellow talent. I am usually silent on issues affecting performers because I know I’m seen as “other”. Yet I DO have some of the experiences performers have. I have struggled with body issues, with consent issues, with expressing myself on set, with not completely “meshing” with talent, etc… with many of the issues other performers have. Yet I feel that I need to be silent because I am in the position of director as well. I won’t pretend that I understand what it’s like to show up on someone else’s set since I’ve never been in that position.
All I can say now is that I’m telling my personal story which I’ve thought about long and hard. It’s a story that I need to tell in order to heal and move forward. It’s a story that I can only tell through my lens, as it’s the only lens I have.
*Note: I began writing this post months ago & it was supposed to be published on a site, but they never published it. I am scheduled to shoot with a returning performer in January & am looking forward to it.
I’m writing this post because whenever I mention on Twitter that a particular comment has offended me, or that I don’t like something that was said to me, I always have at least a few guys saying that’s why they don’t interact with me. Honestly, those comments are almost as offensive because, in my mind, they imply that I’m a wildcard, getting offended at random things, and that fans have to tread carefully. On the other hand, I can’t expect you to know what my preferences are if I don’t express them. So you’ll find those preferences at the bottom of this post, spelled out very clearly. If it’s too much trouble to learn about the people with whom you’re initiating interaction, that’s totally fine, but don’t be surprised if we don’t reciprocate in a way that you find pleasing.
I put myself out in the public eye, and that means making myself vulnerable. I also realize that it’s confusing for some “fans” that I am a dominant woman but I also make xxx porn. I would love to go into why that’s confusing for people, but it’s really a deeper issue than I think can be addressed in a short blog post. Also, I’m just not going to change the world’s perception of porn performers in one post. It would be a pointless endeavor, and I’m not interested in wasting my time on ineffectual action.
What I can do, however, is tell you how I prefer my fans interact with me. You can either respect my wishes, or not, but know that I DO have preferences.
Before delving into that, understand that I DO like to interact with my fans. I love, even more, to interact with actual customers who are supporting my work through purchasing the content that I make, ordering custom clips, and tributing. Customers are my patrons, and I appreciate you so much.
Why do I mention the difference between customers and fans? I’ve offended a lot of people talking about this topic on Twitter. Guys who never buy porn really do seem to believe that I should be willing to interact with them endlessly and show how flattered I am that they are complimenting me. I even had one guy get super offended & go on a crusade to get me banned from Twitter simply because I suggested that if he was going to leave a comment on every single one of my tweets (which I have to take the time to read), that he consider purchasing ONE clip from me to show his support. The whole argument started because he posted a link to my pirated content. I didn’t even ask him to remove the post; I simply asked him to watch my porn for free on a site where I post the porn for free myself & receive a small amount of ad revenue, rather than the site to which he’d posted a link. It was mind-boggling, and yet these interactions happen more frequently than you might think.
When I refer to “fans” vs “customers” I’m making the distinction between the people who love to watch my porn & the people who pay for my porn. The two DO overlap. This is a difficult language issue because in the portion of the porn world where models are being hired by companies to star in films, those stars seem to go after the numbers. Their fans request them for scenes, and in turn the companies might hire them back more frequently. Porn stars don’t make residual income on their scenes. They make a flat rate for a scene, and being hired for scenes is how they make their money. That’s different than someone like myself who relies on SALES on my scenes to make my income. (Yes, porn stars are too affected by sales, piracy, etc., but not as directly as those who produce their own content.) So I know a lot of fans are coming from a place where they’re all treated equally by porn stars who have no way to know who’s financially supporting the companies for whom they work.
I, on the other hand, often know who’s finally supporting my work & who’s watching it for free but then demanding my time & attention (again, for free).
Am I flattered that there are millions of people who watch my porn? YES. I LOVE that you guys love me. It’s awesome. I appreciate your kind words whether or not you’re paying. But the hundreds of guys who are supporting my work are the ones who hold a special place in my heart. And honestly, I can usually see a distinct difference in how “fans” interact with me vs how “customers” interact with me on social media. Fans who are customers seem to be more invested & more interested in me as a person & performer rather than just seeing me as a body getting fucked.
The guys who don’t pay for my porn tend to be a lot more crude & graphic in their comments, often disregarding my feelings. The ones who do support my work tend to be much more respectful of me as a feeling & thinking human being. Of course there are exceptions. There are plenty of men who never spend a penny on my work who are very respectful. And there are customers who get caught up in the fantasy & inadvertently offend me while trying so hard to be complimentary. However, the majority of the people who I enjoy interacting with on Twitter are those who value what I do enough to pay for it. They are the ones who are actually supporting me & whose purchases allow me to continue to do what I love so dearly.
I guess I should get around to what I really mean to say. This topic has so many subtopics reaching into so many areas that I could go on all week, but I’ll get to the point.
If you’re interacting with me, I have preferences. I’m a human being with feelings, and I can get offended. It’s perfectly reasonable.
What I don’t like:
I do not EVER want to see your penis if you’re not paying to show it to me & doing it within the context of a prearranged paid encounter. If you show it to me without my consent, that is a violation. If your genitals are in your avatar or header, or if you tweet them at me, I will block you.
I receive dozens of messages every day from men commenting on how they want to fuck me, want me to suck their dick, or detailing what they would do to me. I find that behavior repulsive. I assure you, regardless of how good you think your dick is or how charming you think you are, I do not want to hear about it. I realize that this is often perfectly-acceptable behavior when interacting with a “porn performer”. I’m telling you I don’t like it.
I also receive a lot of inquiries about how you can be in a scene with me. I am still completely baffled as to why this question is posed so frequently. There are VERY few porn stars who do “fuck a fan” contests or who allow their fans to shoot with them. Also, I’m not them. I would never do this. Plus, hello, you can clearly see that my husband is the only man I film with. I have no intention of changing that, and even if I did change it, I guarantee you will not be the person I choose to include in a scene. It’s been explained to me that some men believe I should be flattered by these comments, but I’m not. I can’t change how I feel.
I do not want to be referred to as: bitch, slut, whore, cocksucker, thick, fat, just to name a few things. A safe rule of thumb is: If a woman doesn’t refer to herself by a certain word, don’t use it to describe her. It’s all about consent. I don’t go around referring to men with certain descriptors without their consent.
What I will tolerate:
Though I don’t really “like” it, there are a few things I will tolerate because I realize that in the context of porn, they are generally acceptable. The one thing that comes to mind is when guys explicitly describe & compliment my genitals.
You’ll be able to tell I don’t really like it because I will ignore you. I won’t block you, but I will probably mute you, especially if you’re commenting on many tweets in such a fashion.
What I like:
I love compliments on my scenes that are a less explicit, like “Your butt is so amazing” or “I love the way you move” or “You’re so sexy.” You can tell I like the comments because I will “heart” them on Twitter or possibly even respond to or RT the comments.
Even better are compliments on the quality of my content, my sensuality, and my intellect. There’s nothing that makes me happier than a guy who can appreciate how much work I put into my scenes or how I use my intellect to make my porn more appealing. (I do realize that not everyone is attracted to a woman’s intellect.)
All that said, do I expect you to care about my preferences? NOPE. I absolutely do not expect people to care about me, what I like, or my feelings. However, as with ANY interpersonal interaction, if you want to be well-received & have the most positive experience possible, it helps to know a little about the person with whom you’re interacting. If you violate my consent, it you offend me, or if you do something that I consider to be rude, I have every right to limit or eliminate your ability to further interact with me.
If you’ve gotten all the way through this blog post, thank you. It likely means that you care about learning about me. I love that. If you got all the way through it & are left with the impression that I’m too sensitive, that’s okay. I AM sensitive. That’s a part of who I am; it shapes me & informs my decisions. I have a lot of opinions, and that’s also part of who I am. If you want to see me as just a fuckdoll throwing her genitals around on camera for your enjoyment, that’s perfectly acceptable. If you want to see me as a disembodied mouth & pussy, well alright then. I can’t control what you think, or your preferences, or how you choose to view women. If it takes you too much out of the fantasy to view me as a thinking, feeling, intelligent human being, then you’re welcome to continue to watch videos & stay in that fantasy without interacting with me. But the truth is, it’s just a fantasy. Every single man & woman in this industry is a three-dimensional entity, full of fears, hopes, dreams & opinions. It just happens to be part of my persona that I allow myself to express who I really & truly am as an individual. If you read all of this & aren’t made uncomfortable by me expressing my want & need to be treated a certain way, then I commend you. You, sir, are awesome & I’m so grateful to have you as a fan and/or customer.
NOTE: I originally posted this blog on tumblr in 2013.
A sub recently asked Me how I feel about chastity. That’s a vague question, with vague terms, but I think I know where he was going with it.
If you want to hear “I love chastity! I’ll lock you up right now!” then you might want to move along. I’m just not that kind of Woman. Fortunately for some of you, and unfortunately for most, I put more thought into My actions & interactions. That’s why you find yourself here now reading the introduction to an essay on Chastity, instead of finding photographic spank material. If you’re interested in actually knowing how I “feel about chastity,” then keep reading.
In order to say how I feel about it, I think it’s important to define “chastity”. There are a few definitions. 1. Sexual behavior that conforms to culturally or religiously moral standards, 2. being pure or chaste, and… then there’s the definition that I think a lot of people in the fetish community are referring to when they use the word “chastity”: 3. having your penis locked away in a device, and only being allowed to touch it or to orgasm when your Mistress gives permission.
To prevent confusion, I’ll refer to the term I’m trying to define– the BDSM concept– as Chastity with a capital C.
When I first started interacting with Mistresses & subs, and recording fetish content, I thought of Chastity as that third definition; however, My understanding of Chastity is constantly evolving. The more interactions I have with Chastity subs, the more I read, & the more I reflect about the concept, the more I believe that Chastity encompasses many ideals & a whole lot of cultural & historical significance. That’s an entirely different essay unto itself, so for brevity’s sake, I’ll keep My discussion to what more-obviously informs our behaviors & what affects us in our BDSM interactions.
How Do I Define Chastity?
In My opinion, for the purposes of the D/s interaction, Chastity is whatever the Domme and sub agree that it is. I do not believe that a male is only “in chastity” when his cock is locked up 24/7 in a steel cage to which I have the only key. Yes, that is one way to ensure that a sub is physically chaste. Of course, if he really wanted to, he could cut off the device. I believe that Chastity involves a decision, a commitment to that decision, working through the process of truly submitting, and experiencing & acknowledging the impact of the decision. I believe that a sub is in Chastity when he is honoring our contract with regards to his sexual rituals and interactions & he has acknowledged and is working through (or has moved past) any struggle in his own mind and body with regard to another human being controlling the physical aspect of his sexuality.
How do I feel about Chastity?
A good interaction with a Chastity sub can be a wonderfully thrilling & fulfilling experience for Me. I’ve had bad experiences before, and those were usually as a result of unrealistic expectations on the sub’s part. This was despite My thorough efforts to define the parameters of the relationship. A great Chastity relationship begins with defining the parameters of the situation, clearly marking both the Domme’s and the sub’s boundaries, discussing expectations, and then reassessing if one person’s needs are not being met. A sub can be locked up in a chastity device but still not fully submit to his Mistress. A sub can be locked up in a chastity device and be miserable with the results. One might ask, “Well isn’t misery the desired result?” No, I don’t believe it is. I believe that Misery is the result of a D/s relationship/agreement gone wrong. I believe that Suffering is a means to an end. Suffering can be a pleasurable experience for both parties (any masochist or sadist understands this), but I believe that the desired result is Submission. Working through Suffering, enjoying Suffering, coming to terms with Suffering, and arriving at blissful Submission is the desired result for My Chastity relationships.
Yes, I take great pleasure in your Suffering… but only if it is for a purpose. I might even get off sexually on your pain & struggle. Your struggle is amusing, and it is gratifying. But your complete and total respect, adoration, worship & Submission… now that is the ultimate pleasure for Me.
Safety and Communication
As with every BDSM endeavor, I believe it is important for both parties to be knowledgeable about what they’re doing. There are some men who will contact a Mistress about chastity, will enter into an agreement, will play along as though they are fully participating, but only get off on the idea of Chastity while partially submitting or, in some cases, not submitting at all. There are other men who fully intended to be bound by the agreement with their Mistress, and who fully submit to Mistress’ demands. I admit that I can’t always be certain which category My subs fall into, which is why I think it’s important to treat them all as if they’re serious. Ultimately, a sub’s safety is his own responsibility, but there are some subs who submit so completely to their Mistress, and put so much trust in their Mistress’ judgement, that they will put themselves in a great deal of real danger. If I ask My subs to submit to Me completely, and they actually do, then aren’t I responsible to not ask them to do something that will surely put them in grave danger? And aren’t I, in part, responsible for their emotional health? That’s why I think communication is important. In the case of chastity, as in abstention from full release of semen, the danger is usually quite minimal; however, there is some research that suggests that prolonged abstention from orgasm & full release of semen causes hormonal changes which can lead to issues like depression.
Recently I had a sub who was interested in a Chastity (without a device) contract. He wanted to completely abstain from orgasm for a certain period of time, with chances for a ruined orgasm (at my discretion) every two weeks. I had done a bit of research on the physical & emotional effects of complete abstention, and thought it important that he be aware of the possible risks involved before he made a commitment. Fortunately, he had already done the research himself, was aware of the risks, and actually had some experience with long-term chastity. Regardless, it was important for us both to be aware of the risks, so that we could both keep an eye on his physical and emotional health. I am NOT a psychologist, nor can I help someone who is truly mentally ill, but I believe that if I can be aware of the risks involved in whatever emotional or physical task I put forth, I can reduce the possible, incidental negative impact for someone who submits to Me.
Having said all this… these are My opinions in the present. I take pride in My ever-evolving viewpoints, informed by example, situations & by education. I am fairly new to the BDSM community, and I rarely offer opinions on its inner workings because despite being a dominant Woman, I eagerly admit that I strive to continue to grow and learn. I am a Goddess, not a Holy Grail. My wisdom is fluid, and My knowledge is ever-growing.
I’ve recently had some encounters with subs who don’t seem to know what it means to serve a Domme online. I admit that I don’t have the perfect definition of an online D/s relationship, and it does vary as do personalities of the participants. However, I think there are a few rules that apply, regardless:
1. Do your research. One constant frustration is guys who contact Me without even bothering to look at My Twitter, clip stores, website, or My tumblr. I have no idea where they found Me, but they don’t seem to know anything about Me. If you start by asking Me a question to which you could have easily found the answer, I will immediately write you off as a time-waster. The other day someone sent Me an e-mail telling Me where he lives & asking if I live near him. He lives nowhere near Me, and My location is plainly listed on My Twitter profile. First of all, I find it disrespectful to show such blatant disregard for My time. Secondly, do you have so little respect for yourself that you are willing to put your emotional & physical well-being into the hands of someone about whom you know nothing? Being a sub does not mean being careless. I can “train” a sub, but I cannot teach common sense.
Do some cursory research. Take a look at My Twitter profile & My clip stores and website at least. I don’t expect you to know everything about Me. That would be very creepy. And I do enjoy the “getting to know you” portion of the relationship. However, know that if you ask Me “Where do you live?” “Can I take you out for drinks tonight?” or “Do you do chastity?” I will simply ignore you.
2. Approach with respect. I receive too many e-mails from guys who are disrespectful. While I believe in “training,” I do not waste time teaching common courtesy. If you send Me a DM that simply says “hi,” I will ignore you, and you will have a hard time coming back from that one. Tell Me who you are & why you are contacting Me. Don’t expect Me to go back & forth with you in an attempt to draw out your purpose. It won’t happen, especially not for free.
If you send Me an e-mail, at least do Me the courtesy of addressing Me by name or with a title. I realize that we live in a digital world, a world of modern conveniences, and that those conveniences have led to a general lack of manners. Yet manners & respect are paramount to the D/s relationship. We all wear different hats, even I. If you are talking to your buddy it’s perfectly acceptable to send an e-mail that assumes he knows who you are, and which doesn’t really contain a point. If you’re e-mailing the woman who you want to be your future Domme, keep in mind that first impressions are important. Approach with respect, and state your purpose succinctly.
3. Expect to serve. If you approach Me with the stated intention of serving, you should expect to SERVE and not to BE SERVED. Too many times, I’m approached by “subs” who aren’t subs at all. They are fetishists approaching under the title “sub”. I respect fetishes for knowing what they are. Guys buy clips from Me all the time, and request customs from Me, who are not “subs.” They may like to fantasize about being submissive, and they may even have some submissive tendencies, but they’re not interested in serving Me. That’s fine. I converse with them in the appropriate manner, and I don’t expect anything from them (other than common respect). I won’t ignore you just because you’re not offering loyalty.
But if you’re approaching AS a sub, you should expect to serve in some way. Serving Me, for the most part, involves a financial obligation. Am I a “financial Domme”? No. However, as there’s very little else you can do for Me ONLINE, I do expect to benefit financially from our interaction. So if you have zero interest in buying clips, commissioning custom clips, or tributing through gifts or money, then what else is there for you to do FOR ME? How is it that you think you can serve ME?
If you are polite, are willing to put forth your share of effort, and know what it takes to serve, I look forward to hearing from you.
I’ve been getting so many e-mails lately that ask this question. If you want a response from Me, here’s what you need to know:
1. First impressions are important. Address Me as Lady Fyre or Goddess. If you just skip straight to the part where you tell Me what you want, I’m going to assume that you’re selfish & careless. Your “service” to Me will most-likely also be selfish & careless. These e-mails usually go into the trash bin.
2. Keep it short & get to the point. Long, flowery, demure e-mails: think about how much of My time is being consumed just by reading your first e-mail to Me. I will assume that you are going to eat up A LOT of My precious time in the future, and I’m usually grumpy by the time I manage to figure out what your point is.
If you’ve made it this far, and still want to serve:
How can you serve Me? Think about this before you contact Me.
1. I can get compliments from anywhere, so if you plan to send Me copious e-mails filled with compliments in exchange for My attention… just don’t.
2. You MUST be willing & able to spend money. This is a cold hard fact of online domination. Without your money, you are of absolutely no use to Me. No, I am not a “findom.” I do, however, expect to be paid for My services. Cam, phone, clips, custom clips, gifts, tributes: all ways to spend on Me.
Note: Being spoiled puts Me in a good mood. My loyal pets who are consistent with their tributes or who spoil Me are usually spoiled in return– with extra time & attention, or with treats.
The 3rd Dimension
A few fans have requested that I try to post more blogs. And a recent tweet prompted me to write a little about myself.
Some weird/ little-known facts about me:
I love cooking & eating. I would much rather spend extra cash on garlic-stuffed olives, cayenne pepper mangoes, and ingredients for some new dish I’ve been wanting to make than on clothes or make-up. My current favorite things to make are pickled red onions, garlic sauce, and anything with cheese on it. I tend to forgo the Southern, American cuisine of my childhood in favor of Mexican, Indian, Moroccan, and whatever else I can make up out of my ever-growing spice collection. Consequently, I often work out 6 days/week. 🙂 If I wasn’t so busy, I would love to have a food blog with lots of obnoxiously gorgeous photos.
I have a Bachelor of Science Degree. I earned it several years ago, and though I don’t actively use it, I am grateful for my college education. I will never forget the most important thing I learned: HOW to think.
I prefer hiking, road trips & sight-seeing in national parks or weird, small towns to vacationing on beaches or exotic places (though I would love to do a tropical vacation some day). My imagination can stretch when I’m on the road, and I like to imagine what life is like in each little town I pass.
Green landscape & water make my heart happy.
I much prefer fruity to chocolate or other rich flavors. I love jellybeans, Sour Patch Kids, and those things they used to call “Shock Tarts.” If I wasn’t on a perpetual low-carb diet, I would eat those suckers until my tongue hurts. (Shhhh… I often do that anyway, diet be damned.)
I love clothes shopping, though I don’t buy even 5% of what I try on. Most places don’t make nice clothes for tiny adults.
I’m smaller than most people think. I’m barely 5 feet tall, I weigh about 100 lbs, I wear a size 5 shoe, and though I’m kinda “curvy,” I wear anywhere from a size 0 to size 4 in jeans/dresses. I even have to cut about 4 inches off “petite” jeans.
I set at least 4 alarms on my phone each night to make sure I don’t oversleep. The most important thing I have to do in the morning these days is yoga, but I still set 4 alarms. I like waking up early & doing 1-2 hours of work on the computer while I drink coffee. Sleeping in makes me cranky because I feel like I’ve wasted the day.
I love pantyhose & high heels. I don’t often get a chance to wear them other than when I’m filming, since I work from home & spend a lot of time on the computer. Still, I just love pantyhose & high heels. I feel so sensual when I wear them. I also love lingerie. Again, I usually only wear it when filming, but I love the way that a silky piece of lingerie feels against my skin.
Things I love but don’t often have time for these days: poetry, forensic novels, writing, knitting, & designing clothes. If I could choose any job in the world, other than what I do now (I love my job), I would make handmade clothes & accessories. Sometimes I have to take a break from life & just create something, and I’ve been known to spend days upon days creating a gift for a friend or relative.
Hope you enjoyed my random little blog post. I don’t have an “Ask” profile, but you’re always welcome to ask me questions on Twitter.
NOTE: I originally posted this on tumblr in 2015. I’m moving all of my tumblr posts here, so some of this content appears as new but was written years ago.
Video Requests vs. Custom Videos
Today seems to be Request a Free Custom Video Day, with several fans trying to conjure up something which- in my mind- doesn’t really exist, so I thought I should clarify the difference between a “request” & a “custom”.
Request: asking me to make & post a certain type of video
Ex: “Can you please make more CEI videos?”
Custom: paying my set price to make a specific video suited to your fetishes
Ex: “Would love to see a video where you do _____, say _____, wear ____, and call me _____.”
I rarely do requests. It’s not that I don’t love & appreciate you guys. It’s that, despite loving what I do, if I didn’t make money from it, I couldn’t keep doing it. I am quite familiar with what sells well for me, and I’m also familiar with what types of videos I love to make. If you see lots of (insert type) videos, that means they sell well for me and/or I love to make them. Yes, I sometimes make videos just for the fun of it.
If you see in my store a distinct lack of videos covering your fetish, that probably means they don’t sell well for me or they’re not among my favorite types. (The exception is the types I haven’t yet tried.) If you request a video that I’m 90% sure won’t make me any money, I will politely refer you to my custom request form.
But don’t let that stop you from politely making a request. Sometimes I forget, for example, that I haven’t made a leg fetish video in 3 months. I’m a busy bee & some things just slip my mind. So much kink, so little time!
I love making custom videos. My customers come up with some creative ideas, and I love fulfilling fantasies.
…I also love seeing a return on my investment.
Making videos is an investment in my time, energy & often money. When I come up with my own ideas for my store, I invest my time & energy into making something fun that I calculate (based on research & sales numbers) will provide me with a return. It’s like educated gambling. When you order a custom clip, you’re the one making the investment (or gambling, if you will). I’ve made lots of custom videos that didn’t re-sell at all/ well. Yet (to my knowledge) I’ve never had an unhappy “custom” customer, so it’s a pretty safe bet on your part.
That said, sometimes I tweet that I’m accepting video “requests”. Sometimes (gasp!) I actually run out of ideas, am all caught up on customs, and am interested to know what my fans have bought from me & want to see more of. I’m then willing to drink from the well-spring of your kinky thoughts. But if I politely refer you to my custom request form, please don’t take offense. It doesn’t mean I think your idea is bad or silly. (I actually find most fetishes to be interesting.) If you’re a confirmed customer (you’ve spent money on my clips- preferably consistently), I am much more likely to fulfill your request.
Thanks for being respectful of my time & talent, and thanks for making my job awesome.
NOTE: I originally posted this on tumblr in 2016. I’m moving all of my tumblr posts here, so some of this content appears as new but was written years ago.
I’m relatively “new” myself compared to a lot of people in the industry, and I’m not qualified to give advice on much, but I’ve learned a few things along the way. I’ve seen a lot of people being called out on Twitter recently for copying others’ clips. I’ve thought about doing it myself a few times, but what stopped me is knowing that customers love to order the exact same clip from multiple ladies. I also remember how many times I’m ready to post a clip, search for my proposed clip title on C4S only to find 1-100 people who have already used the title or filmed the idea. In fact, a long time ago I complained on Twitter about three girls stealing my idea & title within one week, I mentioned the title, and a veteran model linked me to her clip from 2 years prior… with the same title. Oops. Now I see new clips with that title or theme pop up at least once a week. I know some people totally copy on purpose, and I’m not admonishing anyone for how they deal with that.
If you’ve been around a while, you’ve likely experienced someone copying you, whether intentionally or not. Or you’ve been the first to do a certain type of clip then watched in dismay as hoards of ladies caught on. Or you’re among the first to start filming using a certain method, or angle, or using a certain lighting technique. Or you’re the first to use special effects in a particular way. Then… they… come. (And yes, I’m sure I’ve been a “they” to many.) Even though I’ve only been making clips for a few years, I’ve had the experience of filming in a certain “category” before it even existed on C4S (or another site). Then someone made an actual category for it. Now it’s flooded. All that is a bit hard to take.
Ask yourself what YOU did when you first started. Now, if you were among the first dozen people to start making clips, this probably doesn’t apply to you. But for everyone else, the basic method of learning how to make clips is to look around & see what others are doing, add in what interests you, put your own spin on it, and develop your persona from there. Or you already have your persona, you look around to see what interests you, etc.
Think about Starbucks, whose first store opened in 1971. Seattle’s Best actually opened in 1970, and moved to Seattle in 1972. By 1983, both companies were expanding. The Coffee Beanery opened in 1976. Caribou Coffee opened in 1992. Dunkin’ Doughnuts opened in 1950, and I remember when they started offering iced coffee concoctions. Now they sell their coffee beans in stores. There are so many companies doing pretty much the same thing. They all started in different places with different offerings, they evolved differently. But all of those companies have looked around to see what the competition is doing & have either copied it outright, or with their own spin, & they’ve all done what they can to “one-up” the others. Some will succeed, some won’t, and creativity/ innovation isn’t always the deciding factor. A friend of mine likes to remind me that most businesses operate this way. It’s just in the industries which pride themselves on creativity, and which is comprised largely of independent contractors (like our industry), where people get so personally offended.
Despite all that realism, practicality & business sense, here’s a few words of advice to producers just starting out:
1. Just because you WANT to be a certain personality doesn’t mean you’re going to succeed at it. Your real personality, your talents, your looks, and your customers will largely determine at what you’re successful. This is a touchy topic. Not everyone can be “brat girl”, not everyone can be a “porn star” & not everyone can be a “posh lady”. It makes sense to dip your toes in where you’re interested, but you’ll quickly find your place if you listen to your heart & your customers (read: your sales stats). You’ll do yourself a great disservice trying to emulate someone else simply based on your desires, and rigidly sticking to that idea despite evidence showing that you’re just not that person. Embrace what is unique about you. Feed it & watch it grow. I’ve had conversations with more than one producer who is frustrated about what her customers want from her. I’ve experienced that myself. So then it becomes a matter of finding a balance between what you like to do & what actually makes you money. That can take a long time, and you’ll find out that it’s ever-evolving. My first clips were a mess. I tried being a brat girl, and it was hilarious. Props to those who do it well. Sure, I’m bratty in some ways, and I don’t take crap from people, but I’m just not a brat girl. Now I’ve developed a persona that is super close to who I really am when I’m not on camera, and not having to pretend to be something else entirely has really worked out for me. I think my customers recognize that too.
2. Be as original as you can be in a world full of copycats. It’s actually kind of hard to be completely original. Pretty much everything has been done. Even if you’re being creative about your methods or your stories, you’re still calling on stock tropes or even well-known TV or movie icons. We are what we know. We do what we know. What we know is known by others, and has usually been re-done by others. But still, you have to try. And you CAN make original content. I think of some of my most creative clips, and I can probably identify influences if I take a hard look, but I doubt I’ve done anything that’s exactly what another person has done (some customs excluded). I probably have some completely original clips, but I don’t spend much time examining it. My clip filming method used to be this: come up with an idea, search around to see if it’s been done to some degree, then go back to the drawing board 75% of the time. It was time-consuming & discouraging. Now I come up with an idea & film it. Then I come up with a clip title & search for that. Sometimes I find out later that my idea was done before, but oh well. I can only control so much. Maybe somewhere in the back of my mind I stored an image or phrase I saw online or on another store’s listing, but I know that I’ve done all that I can to be original.
3. Try not to make enemies. I have met some amazing ladies (and guys) through my work in this industry. So many people have helped me get where I am, and I help other people too. We’re all competition to varying degrees, and we can’t give it all away, but we help where we’re comfortable helping, and we want to see one another succeed. I’m sure I have some kind of reputation among other producers, but I have no idea what it is, and it’s really not any of my business. All I know is that I try to be as nice to other people as possible, I accept other people for who they are (whether or not I choose to continue to work with/ communicate with them), and I try not to make enemies. Other people in this industry can be friends & they can be resources. It’s hard to come back from developing a bad reputation. Some day you might need advice, or you might want to work with other people. You might be a very independent person but you still exist in a world of other people, and you’re in an industry where your reputation matters. Also, respect those who have come before you. Sure, you can try to do it better, and maybe you’ll succeed, but have some respect for what they’ve accomplished, their vast knowledge & experience, & how they’ve shaped this industry.
In the end we’re all here to have fun & make money. The same basic rules of humanity, ethics & business apply here as everywhere else.