NOTE: I originally posted this blog on tumblr in 2013.
A sub recently asked Me how I feel about chastity. That’s a vague question, with vague terms, but I think I know where he was going with it.
If you want to hear “I love chastity! I’ll lock you up right now!” then you might want to move along. I’m just not that kind of Woman. Fortunately for some of you, and unfortunately for most, I put more thought into My actions & interactions. That’s why you find yourself here now reading the introduction to an essay on Chastity, instead of finding photographic spank material. If you’re interested in actually knowing how I “feel about chastity,” then keep reading.
In order to say how I feel about it, I think it’s important to define “chastity”. There are a few definitions. 1. Sexual behavior that conforms to culturally or religiously moral standards, 2. being pure or chaste, and… then there’s the definition that I think a lot of people in the fetish community are referring to when they use the word “chastity”: 3. having your penis locked away in a device, and only being allowed to touch it or to orgasm when your Mistress gives permission.
To prevent confusion, I’ll refer to the term I’m trying to define– the BDSM concept– as Chastity with a capital C.
When I first started interacting with Mistresses & subs, and recording fetish content, I thought of Chastity as that third definition; however, My understanding of Chastity is constantly evolving. The more interactions I have with Chastity subs, the more I read, & the more I reflect about the concept, the more I believe that Chastity encompasses many ideals & a whole lot of cultural & historical significance. That’s an entirely different essay unto itself, so for brevity’s sake, I’ll keep My discussion to what more-obviously informs our behaviors & what affects us in our BDSM interactions.
How Do I Define Chastity?
In My opinion, for the purposes of the D/s interaction, Chastity is whatever the Domme and sub agree that it is. I do not believe that a male is only “in chastity” when his cock is locked up 24/7 in a steel cage to which I have the only key. Yes, that is one way to ensure that a sub is physically chaste. Of course, if he really wanted to, he could cut off the device. I believe that Chastity involves a decision, a commitment to that decision, working through the process of truly submitting, and experiencing & acknowledging the impact of the decision. I believe that a sub is in Chastity when he is honoring our contract with regards to his sexual rituals and interactions & he has acknowledged and is working through (or has moved past) any struggle in his own mind and body with regard to another human being controlling the physical aspect of his sexuality.
How do I feel about Chastity?
A good interaction with a Chastity sub can be a wonderfully thrilling & fulfilling experience for Me. I’ve had bad experiences before, and those were usually as a result of unrealistic expectations on the sub’s part. This was despite My thorough efforts to define the parameters of the relationship. A great Chastity relationship begins with defining the parameters of the situation, clearly marking both the Domme’s and the sub’s boundaries, discussing expectations, and then reassessing if one person’s needs are not being met. A sub can be locked up in a chastity device but still not fully submit to his Mistress. A sub can be locked up in a chastity device and be miserable with the results. One might ask, “Well isn’t misery the desired result?” No, I don’t believe it is. I believe that Misery is the result of a D/s relationship/agreement gone wrong. I believe that Suffering is a means to an end. Suffering can be a pleasurable experience for both parties (any masochist or sadist understands this), but I believe that the desired result is Submission. Working through Suffering, enjoying Suffering, coming to terms with Suffering, and arriving at blissful Submission is the desired result for My Chastity relationships.
Yes, I take great pleasure in your Suffering… but only if it is for a purpose. I might even get off sexually on your pain & struggle. Your struggle is amusing, and it is gratifying. But your complete and total respect, adoration, worship & Submission… now that is the ultimate pleasure for Me.
Safety and Communication
As with every BDSM endeavor, I believe it is important for both parties to be knowledgeable about what they’re doing. There are some men who will contact a Mistress about chastity, will enter into an agreement, will play along as though they are fully participating, but only get off on the idea of Chastity while partially submitting or, in some cases, not submitting at all. There are other men who fully intended to be bound by the agreement with their Mistress, and who fully submit to Mistress’ demands. I admit that I can’t always be certain which category My subs fall into, which is why I think it’s important to treat them all as if they’re serious. Ultimately, a sub’s safety is his own responsibility, but there are some subs who submit so completely to their Mistress, and put so much trust in their Mistress’ judgement, that they will put themselves in a great deal of real danger. If I ask My subs to submit to Me completely, and they actually do, then aren’t I responsible to not ask them to do something that will surely put them in grave danger? And aren’t I, in part, responsible for their emotional health? That’s why I think communication is important. In the case of chastity, as in abstention from full release of semen, the danger is usually quite minimal; however, there is some research that suggests that prolonged abstention from orgasm & full release of semen causes hormonal changes which can lead to issues like depression.
Recently I had a sub who was interested in a Chastity (without a device) contract. He wanted to completely abstain from orgasm for a certain period of time, with chances for a ruined orgasm (at my discretion) every two weeks. I had done a bit of research on the physical & emotional effects of complete abstention, and thought it important that he be aware of the possible risks involved before he made a commitment. Fortunately, he had already done the research himself, was aware of the risks, and actually had some experience with long-term chastity. Regardless, it was important for us both to be aware of the risks, so that we could both keep an eye on his physical and emotional health. I am NOT a psychologist, nor can I help someone who is truly mentally ill, but I believe that if I can be aware of the risks involved in whatever emotional or physical task I put forth, I can reduce the possible, incidental negative impact for someone who submits to Me.
Having said all this… these are My opinions in the present. I take pride in My ever-evolving viewpoints, informed by example, situations & by education. I am fairly new to the BDSM community, and I rarely offer opinions on its inner workings because despite being a dominant Woman, I eagerly admit that I strive to continue to grow and learn. I am a Goddess, not a Holy Grail. My wisdom is fluid, and My knowledge is ever-growing.